Art of Listening

While student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I became friends with Carl Rogers, who was respected as one of the leading psychotherapists of his time. He taught me much about the art of listening.

Dr. Rogers said that when we listen, and people know we are listening, it shows we truly care about them. In turn, they will respond by caring about you. It opens communication and also opens hearts. When we accept them as a person, unconditionally, they will be more kind to you.

We should listen without preconceptions, without anticipation and without judgement if we want others to portray what they truly feel. We listen with all our senses, not just to the words which are said. Some people cannot fully express themselves while speaking, so we must try to see them as they see themselves. We should watch for non-verbal clues as to what they really mean: facial expressions, body movements, etc.

While we should show positive regard for the other person, we should also demonstrate our own positive self-regard. We do not react to their negative comments, verbally or physically, even when we disagree with them. When they do ask for our opinion, however, we should respond with our true thoughts and in specifics rather than generalities. We offer our own perspective as other options rather than as contradiction.

Listening might seem quite passive as opposed to speaking. It is actually very active. To paraphrase Bobby Kennedy, "I learn while listening. When I talk I don't learn too much." If you think talking helps to spread your own wisdom, you are not really wise.

Tags: communication, listening, positive, regard, rogers

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kay Lindahl on March 8, 2010 at 6:53pm

Hi Ron,
You're speaking my language! i have spent the past 13 years focusing on the art of listening - I call it the sacred art of listening and I affirm everything you said. When we are fully present with another person, they feel validated as a human being, often a sense of peace and/or healing. In addition, I have noticed that there is a lot of information out there on preparing to speak, but very little, if any, on preparing to listen. I believe that there are daily practices that can enhance our capacity to listen in the manner you suggest. Rather than take up space here, I have posted a couple of handouts on my website: www.sacredlistening.com
This is so important in interfaith work where we come from so many different cultures and belief systems. Thanks for raising this as a topic of discussion!
Blessings,
Kay

Permalink Reply by Ron Krumpos on March 8, 2010 at 7:46pm

Hello Kay,

I looked at your website about "The Sacred Art of Listening" and "How Does God Listen?" They are both profound topics which too many people overlook. I suggest that people look at your site and consider its importance.

Perhaps your next book titles might be "The Art of Listening to the Sacred" and "How to Listen to God." Too often in prayer, we come like a child to Santa Claus. We ask for favors to ourselves or for others. While these requests may be unselfish, we seldom listen to what God wants from us. To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what God can do for you..."

Kindest (positive) regards,
Ron

Permalink Reply by Eileen Epperson on March 8, 2010 at 8:49pm

Thank you for joining the conversation. I think listening profoundly is terribly active! Takes my attention and energy, and gets easier as I practice over time.
Eileen

Permalink Reply by Eileen Epperson on March 8, 2010 at 8:51pm

We ask for favors to ourselves or for others. While these requests may be unselfish, we seldom listen to what God wants from us. To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what God can do for you..."

LOVE THIS, RON.

Perhaps your next book titles might be "The Art of Listening to the Sacred" and "How to Listen to God."

(Kay, your next project, m'dear.)

Eileen Epperson